did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
