All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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