AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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