ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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