When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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