I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
