this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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