Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
