so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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