My sheets look like a crime scene.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
