I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
two words: eviction party
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
She's the barista slut.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
