I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
