it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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