i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
