The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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