my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
