The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
