We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Vodka?
Forever.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
