his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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