Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
