i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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