So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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