Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
