So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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