the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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