I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
She even gives head with a lisp.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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