I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
