My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
