Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
