My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
