i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
