I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
this is an emotional support booty call
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
