Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
