I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
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