i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
