I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
