I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
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Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do