she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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