I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
