I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
