I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
