Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
