I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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