either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Randomize
