we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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