Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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