can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
