best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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