I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
