what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
