I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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