i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
