Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
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I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
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I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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