I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
