Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
My dick has a subreddit
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
