Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
