I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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