somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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