I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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