Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
