70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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