At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
It's never too late to be topless.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
