Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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