was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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